Click to biggenate It was Spring, 1985 and the one single question on every American's mind was "When will there be another Indiana Jones and what will it be about (yes, we realize that's two questions, not one)?"
That one (two) question(s) was (were) answered with the "Starblazer Special Steven Speilberg's Collector's Edition Indy III: A Projection" magazine. The cover boasts That Indy will fight "The Serpent of Evil", and that it will be "greater than Raiders and Temple".
Compelling.
That one (two) question(s) was (were) answered with the "Starblazer Special Steven Speilberg's Collector's Edition Indy III: A Projection" magazine. The cover boasts That Indy will fight "The Serpent of Evil", and that it will be "greater than Raiders and Temple".
Compelling.
So many copies were sold in America, that if you laid them all end-to-end that they would circle the Earth a total of never times.
This fan fiction cost me $2.25 (and that's in 1985 dollars, mind you). This would easily set you back six or seven bucks today. Or maybe free on the internet.
This fan fiction cost me $2.25 (and that's in 1985 dollars, mind you). This would easily set you back six or seven bucks today. Or maybe free on the internet.
"A table of contents with no page numbers...? Riddles in the dark..."
Director Steven Spielberg's name is misspelled on the cover and table of contents. They kept on trucking, though, got it correct by the title page, and never looked back.
"Starblazer Special Steven Speilberg's Collector's Edition Indy III: A Projection" calls Indy III "The Next Spielberg masterpiece, ignorant of the fact that he would direct "The Color Purple" (1985) and "Empire of the Sun" (1987) before he got to "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade" (1989).
"Starblazer Special Steven Speilberg's Collector's Edition Indy III: A Projection" calls Indy III "The Next Spielberg masterpiece, ignorant of the fact that he would direct "The Color Purple" (1985) and "Empire of the Sun" (1987) before he got to "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade" (1989).
You remember Quin Kessler as "Hatcheck Girl" on a 1981 episode of The Greatest American Hero TV series.
Our completely made-up tale based on absolutely nothing factual about the next movie opens in Melbourne, Australia in 1935. (insert mandatory internet joke about Australia)
A condensed version for you:
"The next Indy film may involve Indy's quest for the fabled KING SOLOMON'S MINES, but with a twist--this time INDY has to fight the Devil to get the jewels"
[emphasis and capitalization theirs]
It takes up 5 magazine pages, but remove the pics and it's really just "Linda Palermo"'s one-page take on what an Indy movie might be. It isn't any better or worse than anything an average fan writer might achieve.
Two beefy sailor types ask Indy "Where ya goin' mate?" Indy answers "None of your business, bub, outta my way." (yes, both sailors ask him that at the same time) Then there's a fight.
Indy finds a girl that needs rescuing (Melissa Saint). Then there's a fight.
Indy, Short Round and Melissa find King Solomon's Mines. There are traps to overcome. The traps are overcome.
A demon rises because I have no idea why. Indy is "terrified" and "fought the terrible monster" and then is in the "grip of death", all within four sentences. Melissa's crucifix saves the day because that's what happens in movies.
They get away and live.
"Indy looked at the far off mountain, and as he and his friends rode off, said "It's just as well. I could never handle money anyway." At that moment, Short pulled a huge emerald from his pocket. "A souvenir, Indy!"
They all laughed as they rode off to new adventures in the future."
The end.
This thing could have used a better editor. Page 67 contains the word "Bladerunner", page 20 mentions "Hans Solo".
The first half of this black & white, seventy-page publication focusses on Indiana Jones, with tons of pictures and a few articles featuring "behind-the-scenes" stories. None of the pages contains more that 50% text. It is almost all photos, haphazardly randomized to fill the spaces where there was no text.
The first half of this black & white, seventy-page publication focusses on Indiana Jones, with tons of pictures and a few articles featuring "behind-the-scenes" stories. None of the pages contains more that 50% text. It is almost all photos, haphazardly randomized to fill the spaces where there was no text.
 Again. Based on nothing. Basically, just an excuse to print pictures of bikinis. |  Indiana Jones is played by Harrison Ford. Short Round is played by Short Round. |
You may have noticed on the cover:
"GIANT PAINTED INDY CENTERFOLD By One of America's Top Artists".
This artist's name seems to have been forgotten to the ages, and to the editors. There is no credit given anywhere in the magazine.
It is a killer pic:
Yes, I am just starting to teach myself Photoshop, why do you ask?
The next twenty pages are dedicated to Roger Moore and Sean Connery. They each had new James Bond movies in theaters. I have no idea if the articles are interesting or accurate, as James Bond Makes me sleepy even under the best circumstances. But, dang... they filled the pages with pictures!
Picture. Picture. Picture. Picture. Picture. Picture. Picture. Picture. Picture. Picture. Text. Text. Picture!
Then we cut to two pages of photos of "The Women of Star Trek", which is exactly what it sounds like.
There's one page of text spread out over two pages about the movie "The Bride" starring Sting and Jennifer Beals.
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Then a page of text & pics of:
"RUSSIA'S VERSION OF DUNE AND STAR TREK--CALLED TO THE STARS BY HARD WAYS"
It's a real thing.
And then there are six pages dedicated to the William Katt / Sean Young classic "Baby . . . The Secret of the Lost Legend", a "comedy" that Roger Ebert hails as "dreary" and "trivial".
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There are only three advertisements in the magazine, which leads me to wonder if this whole endeavor was the brainchild of Marcus Boas. I believe he may be our centerfold "mystery artist".
Click on each to get marketed at biggerly:
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"Starblazer Special Steven Speilberg's Collector's Edition Indy III: A Projection" is a weird little magazine that got absolutely none of the Indy predictions correct.
It was Ain't It Cool News. Kind of.
In 1985, this was our internet. We counted on magazines to bring us the latest movie news, even if it was total garbage, and poorly executed. Of course, there have always been "good" and "bad" versions of different media.
The internet is different mostly because it's difficult to feel "ripped off" by wasting time reading a free article the same way I felt ripped off by this three dollar pile of newsprint.
Difficult, but not impossible.
It was Ain't It Cool News. Kind of.
In 1985, this was our internet. We counted on magazines to bring us the latest movie news, even if it was total garbage, and poorly executed. Of course, there have always been "good" and "bad" versions of different media.
The internet is different mostly because it's difficult to feel "ripped off" by wasting time reading a free article the same way I felt ripped off by this three dollar pile of newsprint.
Difficult, but not impossible.
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