Witless Protection PG-13 (2008)
Directed by Charles Robert Carner

I have never seen this American classic. I will now share my recap and review.

I don't see every movie out there. Sometimes there are too many other things happening in life, sometimes the situation just isn't right.  There are certain movies you need to see in the theater for a more complete movie experience.  Sometimes the special effects are only worth it in a theater, sometimes it's because having an audience to laugh along with makes it more special.

And every once in a while, a film comes along that you need to watch at home in a controlled environment to experience it fully.   With a $7,500,000 (estimated) budget and $4,131,640 gross, Witless Protection is the kind of small independent movie I want to spend time with in my living room. The subtlety of the romance and the personal nature of the origins of the comedic situations, make this the perfect Sunday morning coffee & blanket couch movie.

It will be difficult to review this film without revealing the many jokes. Many plot points are resolved humorously and do not lend themselves to review. And I need to be honest; sometimes I was laughing so hard pretending to watch this, that I missed the next punch-line.  The jokes are that fast and furious. 

Yaphet Kotto stars in this film as the same FBI agent he plays in the movie Midnight Run. While this is not a direct sequel, it does take place in an unexplored corner of the Midnight Run universe (what we fans call "The MR-niverse (pronounced "MR-niverse")). It's a daring chioce for the filmmakers that really pays off.

Much of the humor comes from such jokes as Mr. Kotto constantly mentioning that he appeared in such classic pop-culture touchstones as "Alien", "Live & Let Die" and TV's "Homicide". So watch all those things first to really get your head around this movie.

Witless Protection features a lot of fun cameos.  Larry The Cable Guy shows up as a doofy backwoods sheriff who can't even afford sleeves for his police shirts. If you're unfamiliar with Larry the Cable Guy, in real life he is a young struggling comedian still trying to hit it big, even with his humble background haunting him.  

His past follows him like a specter, never allowing Larry to really find the success he truly craves. It adds a poignant undercurrent to all of his on-screen work to date. He and his family recently outgrew their tiny Florida swamp shack. He brings this tender, redneck vulnerability to his small role as "Ferd", a disabled American Army vet who lost his legs in the first Gulf War.

Larry is joined on-screen by Jenny McCarthy. Her character is a mute waitress.  It is a shame that Ms. McCarthy was not award-nominated for this role, which seems tailor-made for her skills.

Other quick cameos from Eric Roberts, Joe Mantegna and Peter Stormare tell you all you need to know about the rest of this movie: Quality, quality, quality.

The Rube Goldbergian climax of Witless Protection will reward patient, careful viewers with comedy at a level beyond what movie theaters deserve. Spend time with Witless Protection and someone you love soon, and share the magic of cinema!

Recommended for those who enjoy men's beefy arms, coffee and America.

The Blind Side PG-13 (2009)
Directed by John Lee Hancock

I have never seen this movie.  Here is my recap and review.

Based on the Extraordinary True Story! 

My favorite thing about movies based on Extraordinary True Stories is that they condense months, years or even decades into just two easily-digestible hours.  This is accomplished mostly by leaving out anything "boring" or "true".  Characters and situations are transmogrified to the point where they are unrecognizable to the participants in the events themselves.  Genius.

The Blind Side does all of the above tremendously well.

Sandra Bullock plays a Successful Older Blonde Small White Woman.  Newcomer Quinton Aaron plays the exact opposite of that.  And how they come to be pals in this movie is Extraordinarily True.

One day, while in line at a fast food restaurant, Sandra (Sandy) is waiting patiently as she can to place her order. In line ahead of her is young Quentin (Quentin) trying to decide what to order.  Sandy finally loses it, yelling "What the heck, Quentin? Hurry up! I gotta get my kid to Gymboree!".

Quentin slowly turns around with tears in his eyes, and quietly whispers "I'm sorry ma'am... I would have decided more quickly what to order by now, but I didn't see you there... 'cause I was born... with a Blind Side..."

Emotional music fills the air as Sandy realizes she can help Quentin.  She takes him home to meet her family, played by Randy Travis.  Together, as a family, during a music montage, they invent a new football helmet with mirrors and cameras attached to it.

Quentin has no interest in playing football, but to hide the Blind-Side-Eliminating New Helmet Technology (BSENHT) from The Russians (TR), he secrets himself on the local team. This is harder that in seems, because the team is made up of skinny little white kids and Quentin is nearly the exact opposite of that.

In order to keep close tabs on her New Helmet Technology, Sandy becomes a Walk-On Expert, a little-known position in high-school football management that allows her to walk on to the field any time she wants to point her finger forcefully in a player's face.

Watching the football players get pointed at (through binoculars) by such a Blonde Woman, The Russians finally decide that they have wrongly chosen evil over good. They then turn their own "Blind Sides" in their hearts to "Seeing Sides". They now love America.

The end of this movie was created by taking equal parts Rocky, Vision Quest, The Natural, Dangerous Minds, Rudy, Dead Man Walking, Hope Floats and Dead Poets Society and blending them until Extraordinarily True and Mushy.

Recommended for fans of helmets, binoculars and heroic blondes.

Titanic PG-13 (1997)
Directed by James Cameron

Yes, it's true.  I've never seen Titanic.

But I've heard a lot about it and I've seen the poster, so I think I can piece together a recap of one of the Greatest Cinematic Experiences of All Time.

The story begins in a small farmhouse in Iowa.  A young Leonardo DiCaprio is born to a kindly faming couple (uncredited cameos by MIchelle Pfieffer and Harvey Keitel) who cannot afford to keep him.  They sell him to a circus owner (Billy Zane) who is making his way across the country circussing until he can save up enough money to buy a boat.

Years pass, and Leo and Mr. Circus criss-cross the country entertaining crowds and earning money. Audiences especially like Leo's jump though the Flaming Hoop of Death, which he performs nightly.

Meanwhile, Kate Winslet is growing up somewhere super-rich.  Growing up rich is boring, so the film focusses only on Leo until the end.

One day, Leo gets a letter in the Circus Mail from the Titanic Company.  He has won the "Why I Want to Ride the Titanic Boat in 50 Words or Less" Contest. So he sets off on horseback to Titanic City, where the boat is stored.

The plot line featuring Mr. Circus and his desire to own a boat is unfortunately tossed to the wayside, in favor of a sub-plot featuring an arm-wrestling contest which seems out of place in this movie.  Disappointing.  Audiences have long complained about this glaring misstep, and is one of the main reasons I've never seen it.

As Leo arrives in Titanic City, he meets Kate Winslet and her father, Bill Paxton (played by Bill Pullman).  They offer to allow him to stay in their boat room, which just happens to be the entire penthouse of the Titanic Boat!

This is where the movie really lags.  We take a very lengthy tour of the penthouse suite.  It mostly seems like just an extended commercial for Titanic Boats, but product placement is the way these days so we must accept it. 

Suddenly, an iceberg sails across the ocean into the boat, cracking it in half.  All the rich people on the boat are on the half above water, and the poor people are on the sinking half.  Leo has each of his feet on a different half, and he yells to Kate "What should I do?",  Kate is too busy looking at her fancy necklace because she wants to tell a story about it later.  

Leo never gets his answer, so he jumps onto the "rich" side.  He is beaten about the face with the rich people's gold-plated newspapers that were distributed as the boat initially set sail. 

As water fills the boat areas, Leo's shoelace gets caught on a deck chair.  Luckily, it is an inflatable chair, so Leo isn't dead... yet.

While Leo bobs in the water on his deck chair, Kate comes by and offers Leo a ride in her speedboat.  He refuses, knowing that the story about her necklace needs a sad ending. He is a True American Hero.

Kate's speedboat speedboats away into the darkness, and Leo hums a little tune while he drowns. "My Heart is Going Somewhere" becomes an American standard hit performed by some of the most respected singers of all-time.

The final scene before the ending credits hints at a sequel, as a baby's arm reaches out of the ocean, and we hear someone yelling "He's alive!".  The title card then reads "THE END?", and the audience leaves satisfied.

I recommend this movie to anyone who likes the circus, mail-in contests and necklaces.  

Four bucks on VHS!