Once you've used up all of these jokes, I cannot guarantee you will be invited to any more social gatherings. Use them wisely. You have been warned. This will be your only warning.
Person 2: Who's there?
Person 1: Irving.
Person 2: Irving who?
Person 1: Irving Kleinman.
Johnny raised his hand and the teacher called on him. "Yes, Johnny?" she said.
Johnny said "s-u-b-c-u-t-a-n-e-o-u-s".
"That's correct" said the teacher, and she proceeded with her lesson about skin.
Q: How many weirdos does it take to change a light bulb?
Waiter: I am so sorry! I'll get you a new bowl of soup.
Customer: Well, I don't want the same soup. Who knows how long that fly was in there?
Waiter: That's a good point. Would you like a different soup?
Customer: No thanks. I'll just take my entree.
Waiter: I understand. I'll take the soup off the bill.
Customer: Thank you.
A plumber knocks on the door of a customer. A very sexy lady, dressed in her nightgown answers the door.
"Oh!" she says. "I wasn't expecting you for another couple of hours!" And she quickly closes the door.
"My paperwork says 10am, ma'am!" the plumber shouts through the door.
"Ok, give me a minute!" The lady shouts.
After a brief wait, the lady (dressed in jeans and a T-shirt) lets the plumber in, and he replaces the hot water valve leading to the bathroom for an affordable price.
"Maybe your career is over" said a teammate.
Sadly, it was.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: No one knows, but she's back in the coop now, safe and sound.
"She's pregnant" said Dad.
"Oh" said Jimmy.
"Good job asking us about it politely and quietly. I'm proud of you" said Mom.
"I love you" said Jimmy.
"We love you, too" said Dad, and they all shared a hug.
A man goes to a psychiatrist. He says "Doc, I don't think people like me."
"Why do you think that?" Asks the psychiatrist.
"I don't know" says the man.
The psychiatrist says "We can definitely talk about this. I see we take your insurance here. Would you like to meet every week at this same time?"
The man replies "I sure would. Thanks, doctor."